It hurts...

I just had a wonderful long conversation with a close friend who I love dearly.  It was about love.  Namely of the romantic type...but also in a deeper sense...

My friend and I share the experience of heartbreak.  And it's not pleasant.  It sucks.  It hurts.  Its horrible.  But it happens.

Sometimes you extend yourself to a person, give your heart to them, offer them your love, and sometimes they hand it back.  They don't want it.  And there is probably no feeling worse than that.

It draws up all sorts of questions.  Am I good enough? Did I do something wrong (or lots of things in my case)? Do I need to change? Will anybody love me.

I think these are some of the hardest questions to deal with.  They are questions of value.  Questions that call your whole person into question.  And mostly I know the answers to these questions.  But they are hard to digest.  Not because I don't want to, but because when we are not validated by someone, when someone rejects us, when we have risked and that risk has proved painful, it hurts, and really we all just want to be loved.

Like I told my friend, the biggest shame would be decided that the pain is not worth the risk.

We talked about God.  Who I think God is, and what I think the bible is.

Its a love story.

God extends himself to people, and people reject him.  He loves them furiously, and they say 'no thanks.'  They constantly keep deciding that theres other things out there, better things.  But God keeps loving, risking, extending himself to people.

I have been told quite often that I am weak.  And in many ways I am.  But I have been told recently that I need people too much.  And people watch me hope, extend myself, and get hurt, and tell me I'm better off giving up.

But God doesn't give up.

Ever.

I am not by any means suggesting I am like God.  But if there is someone to learn from...I guess He's a good start.  God doesn't hurt us, He doesn't make the mistakes we do.  He doesn't need to apologise for the way He treats us sometimes.  And I guess sometimes, some people just aren't meant to be together, as a couple, as one.

I want to keep hoping.

This may not be successful, and I may keep on getting hurt, and sometime I may give up hope and become disillusioned, but I like that I hope.  I often tell people I am a realist, but really, I'm an optimist.

I did a test a few months ago.  Its a personality test by some guy Kiersey or something.  I was told it was good.  It told me I am a teacher, and amongst other things, that I see the good, the positives in people.  That I see people as they could be, and not necessarily as they are.  That sounds cool to me.

I think thats how God sees people.  As they could be, and that love brings them into that place.  It loves them into their future.  It changes them.  Its almost as if the way God loves us, convinces us that we are the person he created us to be, and so we become that person.

I don't think this always works with people, in relationships, romantic relationships.  Sometimes people just don't feel about us the way we feel about them.  And at some point I will need to put my eggs in a new basket.  To be honest I don't know if there will be a specific turning point when this happens.  I've kidded myself in the past into thinking; "If she just says this, I'll give up and get over it." Or "just one more try."  I'm not kidding myself anymore.  Like I told my friend, I just need to accept how I feel, not pretend to be strong and put on a brave face, but just let it hurt.  Cos it's okay to hurt.  And ultimately I am loved anyway by someone much more wonderful than anyone I will ever know down here.

I kinda hope I remain the optimist.  It's not logical, but it's beautiful.

Maybe it will work out the way I hope, maybe it won't. If it does, it will make a wonderful story.  If it doesn't, I will know I have risked and done all I can do, because you can't make someone love you.  And when the time is right, I will move on, naturally. But in the knowledge of one simple fact...

God does not move on, He does not give up.

I think that's beautiful.