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Thursday, 30 June 2011

Why It's Good To Be A Mess...,


I'm a mess, that won't be news to anyone...

But I've decided that's not a horrible thing.

With my head frazzled and firmly planted up my...ya know, I sat down to pray.  I don't really know where my life is headed, I don't know what I want to pursue or where I want to go, bar a few small details, and the things I want currently aren't working out the way I planned.  So I've come to the end of my tether, and not for the first time!

I think these points in life are key.  I think that (maybe) at some point everyone comes to the end of their resources and realised, like me, that "I've got nothin'"

In these moments are a choice.  Despair or hope.

For me, tonight it was hope.  I chose to turn to God and 'vent,' to tell him I understand I've got nothing, and to ask for help, for direction, for Him to father me and tell me it will be okay.  And no matter how much I've neglected Him, just like in the story about the runaway son, my Father is always waiting for me to come back and ask for help.

I'm not suggesting you try to do life on your own just to get to this point, but if you get there, remember God is always waiting.

I don't think He will necessarily give me what I want, I don't think He will magically solve all my problems, but He will ALWAYS be there to listen, and after all, He DOES love me, and He IS good.  A fresh start is always around the corner, and learning is always there to be had.

Anyway, off to sleep, I'll sort things out soon, as best I can, and try not to get to this point again too soon, but rather trust that He knows what I need, and what I want, and will give me whats best for me.

Night x

Monday, 28 March 2011

Open Your Hands...

So I'm bored right now...

That spells trouble...

When I'm bored I think too much, and considering I think too much anyway, boredom is not a good idea for me...

I was thinking about happiness lately, and how to achieve it, and I came to this conclusion; happiness, and contentment is something we choose.

As I write this I have a pain in my chest (not the physical type) and am really not taking this on board, but nonetheless, I still believe that it's true.

To Illustrate;

For the last 3 months or so I have allowed myself to be miserable, I have moped around, been angry and taken it out on other people (who definitely don't deserve it) and just generally been a grumpy git.  Circumstances that are out of my hands and that I am unable to change have dictated my mood.  And seeing that I can't change them, why be grumpy/sad/mad, right?

Last week however, I decided this was going to change, I decided I was going to be happy...

Funny thing...


Crazy as it might sound, I woke up in the morning and said to myself; "Today I am going to be happy, I am going to enjoy work, have fun and its gonna be a good day."  And each time...it was!

Happiness or contentment are not a result of our circumstances, they are a choice we make.  We decide to be happy with what we have.

I am a hypocrite, because rather than being happy with what I have, I am sad about what I don't have. I wish there was an easy way to make this go away, but this one, for the first time, has clung on longer than I expected and refuses to go away...or maybe I'm refusing to let it go!?  I'm not really sure to be honest.  The days I have chosen to let it go, I've been great, but then a reminder, subtle or otherwise sends me right back to square one just when I think I'm over it.  And that's where I am sitting right now.  In that place.

I need to shake this.

Because no matter whether I get what I want or not, it won't make me happy.  Its not that its not a good thing, its a great thing, but I can't be dependent on circumstances for my sanity.

I need to get over it.  Probably I need to choose to get over it, because normally the things we want, we want for all the wrong reasons.  And it's usually it's when you stop looking that you get what you really need.  Because like Jesus said;

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?’” (Luke 12:22-26, NIV)

I need to open my hands and let go of all the things I am holding onto, those things that are holding onto me, and find my happiness in God and not in anyone or anything else...and maybe, just maybe if I open my hands and let go of whats in them...just maybe I'll find what I need, and not just what I want in my hands...

I haven't lost hope...

But I need to let go...

And let God fill my hands.

Monday, 21 March 2011

When I was thirsty...

...you argued about Rob Bell (as Tony Campolo tweeted this week)...


This is crazy!

Read it if you will...

Friday, 18 March 2011

Worth Dying For...

An extract from Rob Bell's 'Sex God' which is truly beautiful;

"Do you realise that you are worth dying for?

You don't need to give yourself away to someone who won't give himself to you. You don't need to use your body to get what you need. Its a cop out for not being a certain kind of woman-a woman of dignity and honour.

Some women only know how to relate to men by making a series of transactions. They want to be wanted, and the man wants, well, the man wants what lots of men want. So they trade. Essentially they strike a deal with men, time and time again.

I have what you want. you have what I want, so lets make a deal. I need this, you need that.

Some women learn at an early age how to negotiate. They need to be loved, to be validated, to be worth something. And they discover that by giving a little of themselves to a boy, they get what they need in return. Its a cycle, a pattern, that can stay with them their entire lives.

Sex becomes a search. A search for something they're missing. A quest for the unconditional embrace. And so they go from relationship to relationship looking for what they already have.

The search is about that need.

But sex is not the search for something that missing. Its the expression of something that has been found. It's designed to be the overflow, the culmination of something that a man and a woman have found in each other. Its a celebration of this living, breathing thing thats happened between the two of them.

You dont need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You are already loved and valued. Youre good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this??? Because it's true. YOU HAVE LIMITLESS WORTH AND VALUE. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.

You are worth dying for.

Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you put out, ow much money you make. Your worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator.

You will continue to be tempted in a thousand different ways not to believe this. The temptation will be to go searching for your worth in places other than your creator.

Especially from men.

But when you give yourself away too quickly, when your show too much skin, your not being true to yourself. When you dress to show us everything, then in some sense we have all shared in it, or at least been exposed to it. There is a mystery to you, infinite depth and endless complexity.

As the woman says in Song of Songs, "My own graveyard is mine to give." In the ancient near east, a vineyard was a euphemism for sexuality. She is saying that she doesnt give herself to just anyone. She is fully in control of herself, and she is not cheap and easy.

Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honour and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level.

You are worth dying for.

If your dating someone, what kind of man is he? Does he demonstrate that is the kind of man who would die for you? What is his posture toward the world. Does he serve, or is he waiting to be served? Does he believe that he is owed something, that he's been shortchanged, that he's gotten the short end of the stick, that life owes him something? Or is he out to see what he can give? Does he see himself as being here to make the world a better place?

These are the big questions that you need to ask yourself.

Take him to a family reunion. Do some sort of service project with him. See how he interacts with people he doesnt like.

Does he have liquid agape running through his veins?

A friend of mine was engaged to a man, and some of her friends were not excited about them getting married. As the wedding day approached, one of her friends decided to say something to her. He said "When a woman is loved well, she opens up like a flower."

She broke off the engagement soon afterward. In one brilliant sentence, her friend taught her what agape is and what it isn't.

What does he expect of you? Does he expect you to sleep with him when he hasn't committed to you forever? Does he want all of you without his having to give all of him?

Can you tell him anything? Is he safe? Can he be trusted?

Can you open up to him, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, knowing that he will protect, not exploit that vulnerability?

Are you opening up like a flower?

When you live in your true identity, when you find your worth and value in your creator, when you live "in Christ," in who you really are, you force him to rethink what it means to be a man.

Perhaps this is why the text talks about the man dying for the woman (Eph 5, 21-25). This can be terrifying for a man. Committing to a woman for life is going to demand courage, fidelity, and strength he may not know he has. This is why some men take such pride in their sexual conquests. They're desperately running from their fear that they dont have what it takes to lay down their lives for a woman. Sleeping with lots of women gives them the feeling of being a man without actually having to be one."

You are worth dying for. 

It hurts...

I just had a wonderful long conversation with a close friend who I love dearly.  It was about love.  Namely of the romantic type...but also in a deeper sense...

My friend and I share the experience of heartbreak.  And it's not pleasant.  It sucks.  It hurts.  Its horrible.  But it happens.

Sometimes you extend yourself to a person, give your heart to them, offer them your love, and sometimes they hand it back.  They don't want it.  And there is probably no feeling worse than that.

It draws up all sorts of questions.  Am I good enough? Did I do something wrong (or lots of things in my case)? Do I need to change? Will anybody love me.

I think these are some of the hardest questions to deal with.  They are questions of value.  Questions that call your whole person into question.  And mostly I know the answers to these questions.  But they are hard to digest.  Not because I don't want to, but because when we are not validated by someone, when someone rejects us, when we have risked and that risk has proved painful, it hurts, and really we all just want to be loved.

Like I told my friend, the biggest shame would be decided that the pain is not worth the risk.

We talked about God.  Who I think God is, and what I think the bible is.

Its a love story.

God extends himself to people, and people reject him.  He loves them furiously, and they say 'no thanks.'  They constantly keep deciding that theres other things out there, better things.  But God keeps loving, risking, extending himself to people.

I have been told quite often that I am weak.  And in many ways I am.  But I have been told recently that I need people too much.  And people watch me hope, extend myself, and get hurt, and tell me I'm better off giving up.

But God doesn't give up.


I am not by any means suggesting I am like God.  But if there is someone to learn from...I guess He's a good start.  God doesn't hurt us, He doesn't make the mistakes we do.  He doesn't need to apologise for the way He treats us sometimes.  And I guess sometimes, some people just aren't meant to be together, as a couple, as one.

I want to keep hoping.

This may not be successful, and I may keep on getting hurt, and sometime I may give up hope and become disillusioned, but I like that I hope.  I often tell people I am a realist, but really, I'm an optimist.

I did a test a few months ago.  Its a personality test by some guy Kiersey or something.  I was told it was good.  It told me I am a teacher, and amongst other things, that I see the good, the positives in people.  That I see people as they could be, and not necessarily as they are.  That sounds cool to me.

I think thats how God sees people.  As they could be, and that love brings them into that place.  It loves them into their future.  It changes them.  Its almost as if the way God loves us, convinces us that we are the person he created us to be, and so we become that person.

I don't think this always works with people, in relationships, romantic relationships.  Sometimes people just don't feel about us the way we feel about them.  And at some point I will need to put my eggs in a new basket.  To be honest I don't know if there will be a specific turning point when this happens.  I've kidded myself in the past into thinking; "If she just says this, I'll give up and get over it." Or "just one more try."  I'm not kidding myself anymore.  Like I told my friend, I just need to accept how I feel, not pretend to be strong and put on a brave face, but just let it hurt.  Cos it's okay to hurt.  And ultimately I am loved anyway by someone much more wonderful than anyone I will ever know down here.

I kinda hope I remain the optimist.  It's not logical, but it's beautiful.

Maybe it will work out the way I hope, maybe it won't. If it does, it will make a wonderful story.  If it doesn't, I will know I have risked and done all I can do, because you can't make someone love you.  And when the time is right, I will move on, naturally. But in the knowledge of one simple fact...

God does not move on, He does not give up.

I think that's beautiful.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

What the...

Just went outside (for a smoke)...not so good on the quitting...
But there were kids playing, and I overheard their talk as I stood...is
One of them shouted; "What the hell?" And one of the others quickly reprimanded them for their 'bad language.'  The response; "Hell isn't a bad word."  Whats more interesting was that at this point a small boy, probably about 7 years old, replied with; "The bible says you're not allowed to say that."

Where does a small boy get, that from?

Probably his father...

I don't know what my reaction is to that...

At first I thought, where does the bible say that?  Then, what is this child's concept of hell?

My overall reaction though, is, that kids take in all we tell them.  What we tell them they will grow up to believe and this will be hard for them to shift (if they ever want to), and I guess I don't like that the kids on my street, probably think of the bible, if at all, as a rule book.  And rather, I believe it to be a love story.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I do think it is important what we teach our kids, because it can be beautiful, or dangerous.

Big Fish 2...


In short...

I have made a call on the aforementioned 'big fish.'

Its a positive one...

So now waiting, and hoping...

A beautiful story may unfold...

Keep praying for me xo