Who we are when nobody's watching...

I study community youth work at Jordanstown. Quite a large part of the course is dedicated to developing self-awareness. Some of the most important, and difficult lessons I have ever learned are lessons about myself. I've been learning a lot of those recently.

I remember being at a training session about 7 years ago, just before my year out with Youth For Christ. I can't remember what the session was about. All I remember is one phrase. "Character is - who when are when nobody's watching"

This has never left me.

For a long time I have been obsessed with what people think about me. So I spend a lot of time putting on a facade, hiding who I really am to try and make people think that I am someone else. However, as soon as I am alone, I take off my mask and return to being the real me.

This has hurt me, and I have hurt a lot of people as a result. Because I've spent so long worrying about what people think of me, and not what God thinks of me. I haven't been real.

Back to story metaphor...

My life is a story, and someone is watching. When you watch a movie, you have an opinion of each of the characters in the story. This opinion is not just drawn up from their interactions with the other characters, but from everything they do. You see into their heads and you see their motives, even if the other characters don't spot them.

God can see my motives, my thoughts, my feelings and how I treat other people. I want my story to be better.

Who I am has on the inside has begun to change. It's not easy. I can't change myself. But Jesus has the power to help me change. It's easy to love the darkness, but only Jesus can change us so that we will love the light.