Who we are when nobody's watching...

I study community youth work at Jordanstown. Quite a large part of the course is dedicated to developing self-awareness. Some of the most important, and difficult lessons I have ever learned are lessons about myself. I've been learning a lot of those recently.

I remember being at a training session about 7 years ago, just before my year out with Youth For Christ. I can't remember what the session was about. All I remember is one phrase. "Character is - who when are when nobody's watching"

This has never left me.

For a long time I have been obsessed with what people think about me. So I spend a lot of time putting on a facade, hiding who I really am to try and make people think that I am someone else. However, as soon as I am alone, I take off my mask and return to being the real me.

This has hurt me, and I have hurt a lot of people as a result. Because I've spent so long worrying about what people think of me, and not what God thinks of me. I haven't been real.

Back to story metaphor...

My life is a story, and someone is watching. When you watch a movie, you have an opinion of each of the characters in the story. This opinion is not just drawn up from their interactions with the other characters, but from everything they do. You see into their heads and you see their motives, even if the other characters don't spot them.

God can see my motives, my thoughts, my feelings and how I treat other people. I want my story to be better.

Who I am has on the inside has begun to change. It's not easy. I can't change myself. But Jesus has the power to help me change. It's easy to love the darkness, but only Jesus can change us so that we will love the light.

Creating a good story...

So recently I've been reading a new book called 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years' by a guy called Donald Miller. He's a genius I think. I love the way he writes. There's something beautiful about his writing. It manages to be incredibly simple (for the intellectually challenged like myself) and yet what he says is often so profound. I find myself thinking; "oh yeah, I never really thought of it that way before" on so many occassions.

His new book talks about the journey he went on taking one of his other books, 'Blue Like Jazz' and editing the stories to make them movie friendly, and the lessons he learned whilst doing this. One of the main things he talks about is story. What makes a good story, and why the good stories stick in our heads and make us happy.

I've been obsessed with story metaphor recently. I find that in many conversations I find myself talking about the 'characters' and creating 'inciting incidents.' I do this a lot. I get this idea stuck in my head and I play it over and over until everybody eventually gets bored of listening to me. I'm a stuck record really.

I don't like my story much. It's pretty boring. I found myself asking the hard question, if my life was a movie, would I get bored watching it, and what would I think of the main character, and I didn't like the answer very much...

The main character in my story is selfish. He thinks too much about himself, and not enough about others. All the other characters only play bit parts, and when they turn up in scenes, he gets worried that they will get in the way and ruin his story. Not only that, but not much happens in my story. I go to work, I go to uni, I come home and don't do very much.

This is why I've decided I want my story to be a better one. I've decided to create more inciting incidents.

In church on Sunday, Craig talked about having high expectations for the new year. I took this personally and decided to create my first inciting incident yesterday. Chris explains it much better than me, so I'll let him tell the story;

"My mate Richie works in the one i go to. The conversations we've had are flippin off the wall sometimes, just discussin our faith, our hope our dreams, we dare to dream out loud and express our fears and failures and hope that God stil loves us and will continue to change us, and He will and that's a good thing. But Richie, well he's a legend, a good guy, likeable, fun, a bit like myself but not as awesome, he's younger tho so he could use that excuse...

I bring the richmeister up because yesterday while i was sippin my Christmas blend, he came over and asked me a question with a big grin on his face: " see that cute girl over there? i know she's a Christian, should i go over and give her my number?" I laughed and started grinning and just said, "live the story man". "yeah, that's what i was thinkin', i'm doin it".

He did it. He actually did it the crazy cat! He was terrified but he realised he wanted to live a better story than the one he was livin', that he wanted to have some pretty sweet memories, so he did it!"

http://chrismccune.blogspot.com/2010/01/we-were-meant-to-live-get-with-it.html?spref=fb

Thanks Chris.

I don't know if it was a smart move, to be honest, but I took a risk! I asked a girl to go for coffee...kinda. If she wants to she can call me, if she doesn't, then what have I lost?

I think from now on I'm gonna cause lots more inciting incidents. I want to live, I want my story to be memorable, and if I ever have to watch it, I don't wanna fall asleep. The character in my story went from being a gutless wimp, wishing he could ask that girl, but never doing anything about it to the guy who takes action. And sure he's gonna fall flat on his face plenty of times, but at least he's gonna try, and it will be worth watching!

So I've been thinking...

For anybody who knows me quite well, the title of this first blog won't be much of a surprise. I think a lot...in fact over-think a lot! I'm weird like that. For me though, thinking isn't enough. I like to talk. I'll meet with friends for coffee and talk about what I've been doing and what I've been reading, and we'll sit for hours discussing the implications of what Don's said in his latest book, and the song we heard that day. Its great. Unfortunately I don't get to do this as often as I would like so I decided to start blogging.

It took me a while to come round to the idea. It popped into my head and I thought about it for a while and thought, "who would possibly want to read what I think, or who even cares for that matter?"

A few friends of mine recently starting blogging however, and I thought, it is a great idea, why not? But that niggling feeling kept coming back. The turning point however was in Starbucks one day, performing my daily duties as coffee monkey. A girl I know called Ruth came in and I was chatting to her for a while (not slacking off work of course...kinda). I don't remember how it came up, but I mentioned that I might start blogging, just putting down a few thoughts. She told me enthusiastically how she thought it was great idea, and I definitely should. I went on to explain to her how nobody wants to read about me, or my thoughts, and how I'm lazy anyway, and would probably never bother. She replied by saying "just do it when you can, once a month or something, and don't do it for anyone else, do it for you!" So I decided to go for it! Thanks Ruth!

One of my friends who has started blogging by the way is Chris McCune

http://chrismccune.blogspot.com/

One of his first blogs was even about me, and his stuff's great so check that out!

Anyway...feel free to read along as I write down some random thoughts and ideas, and feel free to leave comments or discuss something with me, I'd like that.