Why It's Good To Be A Mess...,

Sooo...

I'm a mess, that won't be news to anyone...

But I've decided that's not a horrible thing.

With my head frazzled and firmly planted up my...ya know, I sat down to pray.  I don't really know where my life is headed, I don't know what I want to pursue or where I want to go, bar a few small details, and the things I want currently aren't working out the way I planned.  So I've come to the end of my tether, and not for the first time!

I think these points in life are key.  I think that (maybe) at some point everyone comes to the end of their resources and realised, like me, that "I've got nothin'"

In these moments are a choice.  Despair or hope.

For me, tonight it was hope.  I chose to turn to God and 'vent,' to tell him I understand I've got nothing, and to ask for help, for direction, for Him to father me and tell me it will be okay.  And no matter how much I've neglected Him, just like in the story about the runaway son, my Father is always waiting for me to come back and ask for help.

I'm not suggesting you try to do life on your own just to get to this point, but if you get there, remember God is always waiting.

I don't think He will necessarily give me what I want, I don't think He will magically solve all my problems, but He will ALWAYS be there to listen, and after all, He DOES love me, and He IS good.  A fresh start is always around the corner, and learning is always there to be had.

Anyway, off to sleep, I'll sort things out soon, as best I can, and try not to get to this point again too soon, but rather trust that He knows what I need, and what I want, and will give me whats best for me.

Night x

Open Your Hands...

So I'm bored right now...

That spells trouble...

When I'm bored I think too much, and considering I think too much anyway, boredom is not a good idea for me...

I was thinking about happiness lately, and how to achieve it, and I came to this conclusion; happiness, and contentment is something we choose.

As I write this I have a pain in my chest (not the physical type) and am really not taking this on board, but nonetheless, I still believe that it's true.

To Illustrate;

For the last 3 months or so I have allowed myself to be miserable, I have moped around, been angry and taken it out on other people (who definitely don't deserve it) and just generally been a grumpy git.  Circumstances that are out of my hands and that I am unable to change have dictated my mood.  And seeing that I can't change them, why be grumpy/sad/mad, right?

Last week however, I decided this was going to change, I decided I was going to be happy...

Funny thing...

IT WORKED!

Crazy as it might sound, I woke up in the morning and said to myself; "Today I am going to be happy, I am going to enjoy work, have fun and its gonna be a good day."  And each time...it was!

Happiness or contentment are not a result of our circumstances, they are a choice we make.  We decide to be happy with what we have.

I am a hypocrite, because rather than being happy with what I have, I am sad about what I don't have. I wish there was an easy way to make this go away, but this one, for the first time, has clung on longer than I expected and refuses to go away...or maybe I'm refusing to let it go!?  I'm not really sure to be honest.  The days I have chosen to let it go, I've been great, but then a reminder, subtle or otherwise sends me right back to square one just when I think I'm over it.  And that's where I am sitting right now.  In that place.

I need to shake this.

Because no matter whether I get what I want or not, it won't make me happy.  Its not that its not a good thing, its a great thing, but I can't be dependent on circumstances for my sanity.

I need to get over it.  Probably I need to choose to get over it, because normally the things we want, we want for all the wrong reasons.  And it's usually it's when you stop looking that you get what you really need.  Because like Jesus said;

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?’” (Luke 12:22-26, NIV)

I need to open my hands and let go of all the things I am holding onto, those things that are holding onto me, and find my happiness in God and not in anyone or anything else...and maybe, just maybe if I open my hands and let go of whats in them...just maybe I'll find what I need, and not just what I want in my hands...

I haven't lost hope...

But I need to let go...

And let God fill my hands.

When I was thirsty...

...you argued about Rob Bell (as Tony Campolo tweeted this week)...

http://20liters.org/why/

This is crazy!

Read it if you will...

Worth Dying For...

An extract from Rob Bell's 'Sex God' which is truly beautiful;

"Do you realise that you are worth dying for?

You don't need to give yourself away to someone who won't give himself to you. You don't need to use your body to get what you need. Its a cop out for not being a certain kind of woman-a woman of dignity and honour.

Some women only know how to relate to men by making a series of transactions. They want to be wanted, and the man wants, well, the man wants what lots of men want. So they trade. Essentially they strike a deal with men, time and time again.

I have what you want. you have what I want, so lets make a deal. I need this, you need that.

Some women learn at an early age how to negotiate. They need to be loved, to be validated, to be worth something. And they discover that by giving a little of themselves to a boy, they get what they need in return. Its a cycle, a pattern, that can stay with them their entire lives.

Sex becomes a search. A search for something they're missing. A quest for the unconditional embrace. And so they go from relationship to relationship looking for what they already have.

The search is about that need.

But sex is not the search for something that missing. Its the expression of something that has been found. It's designed to be the overflow, the culmination of something that a man and a woman have found in each other. Its a celebration of this living, breathing thing thats happened between the two of them.

You dont need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You are already loved and valued. Youre good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this??? Because it's true. YOU HAVE LIMITLESS WORTH AND VALUE. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.

You are worth dying for.

Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you put out, ow much money you make. Your worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator.

You will continue to be tempted in a thousand different ways not to believe this. The temptation will be to go searching for your worth in places other than your creator.

Especially from men.

But when you give yourself away too quickly, when your show too much skin, your not being true to yourself. When you dress to show us everything, then in some sense we have all shared in it, or at least been exposed to it. There is a mystery to you, infinite depth and endless complexity.

As the woman says in Song of Songs, "My own graveyard is mine to give." In the ancient near east, a vineyard was a euphemism for sexuality. She is saying that she doesnt give herself to just anyone. She is fully in control of herself, and she is not cheap and easy.

Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honour and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level.

You are worth dying for.

If your dating someone, what kind of man is he? Does he demonstrate that is the kind of man who would die for you? What is his posture toward the world. Does he serve, or is he waiting to be served? Does he believe that he is owed something, that he's been shortchanged, that he's gotten the short end of the stick, that life owes him something? Or is he out to see what he can give? Does he see himself as being here to make the world a better place?

These are the big questions that you need to ask yourself.

Take him to a family reunion. Do some sort of service project with him. See how he interacts with people he doesnt like.

Does he have liquid agape running through his veins?

A friend of mine was engaged to a man, and some of her friends were not excited about them getting married. As the wedding day approached, one of her friends decided to say something to her. He said "When a woman is loved well, she opens up like a flower."

She broke off the engagement soon afterward. In one brilliant sentence, her friend taught her what agape is and what it isn't.

What does he expect of you? Does he expect you to sleep with him when he hasn't committed to you forever? Does he want all of you without his having to give all of him?

Can you tell him anything? Is he safe? Can he be trusted?

Can you open up to him, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, knowing that he will protect, not exploit that vulnerability?

Are you opening up like a flower?

When you live in your true identity, when you find your worth and value in your creator, when you live "in Christ," in who you really are, you force him to rethink what it means to be a man.

Perhaps this is why the text talks about the man dying for the woman (Eph 5, 21-25). This can be terrifying for a man. Committing to a woman for life is going to demand courage, fidelity, and strength he may not know he has. This is why some men take such pride in their sexual conquests. They're desperately running from their fear that they dont have what it takes to lay down their lives for a woman. Sleeping with lots of women gives them the feeling of being a man without actually having to be one."

You are worth dying for. 

It hurts...

I just had a wonderful long conversation with a close friend who I love dearly.  It was about love.  Namely of the romantic type...but also in a deeper sense...

My friend and I share the experience of heartbreak.  And it's not pleasant.  It sucks.  It hurts.  Its horrible.  But it happens.

Sometimes you extend yourself to a person, give your heart to them, offer them your love, and sometimes they hand it back.  They don't want it.  And there is probably no feeling worse than that.

It draws up all sorts of questions.  Am I good enough? Did I do something wrong (or lots of things in my case)? Do I need to change? Will anybody love me.

I think these are some of the hardest questions to deal with.  They are questions of value.  Questions that call your whole person into question.  And mostly I know the answers to these questions.  But they are hard to digest.  Not because I don't want to, but because when we are not validated by someone, when someone rejects us, when we have risked and that risk has proved painful, it hurts, and really we all just want to be loved.

Like I told my friend, the biggest shame would be decided that the pain is not worth the risk.

We talked about God.  Who I think God is, and what I think the bible is.

Its a love story.

God extends himself to people, and people reject him.  He loves them furiously, and they say 'no thanks.'  They constantly keep deciding that theres other things out there, better things.  But God keeps loving, risking, extending himself to people.

I have been told quite often that I am weak.  And in many ways I am.  But I have been told recently that I need people too much.  And people watch me hope, extend myself, and get hurt, and tell me I'm better off giving up.

But God doesn't give up.

Ever.

I am not by any means suggesting I am like God.  But if there is someone to learn from...I guess He's a good start.  God doesn't hurt us, He doesn't make the mistakes we do.  He doesn't need to apologise for the way He treats us sometimes.  And I guess sometimes, some people just aren't meant to be together, as a couple, as one.

I want to keep hoping.

This may not be successful, and I may keep on getting hurt, and sometime I may give up hope and become disillusioned, but I like that I hope.  I often tell people I am a realist, but really, I'm an optimist.

I did a test a few months ago.  Its a personality test by some guy Kiersey or something.  I was told it was good.  It told me I am a teacher, and amongst other things, that I see the good, the positives in people.  That I see people as they could be, and not necessarily as they are.  That sounds cool to me.

I think thats how God sees people.  As they could be, and that love brings them into that place.  It loves them into their future.  It changes them.  Its almost as if the way God loves us, convinces us that we are the person he created us to be, and so we become that person.

I don't think this always works with people, in relationships, romantic relationships.  Sometimes people just don't feel about us the way we feel about them.  And at some point I will need to put my eggs in a new basket.  To be honest I don't know if there will be a specific turning point when this happens.  I've kidded myself in the past into thinking; "If she just says this, I'll give up and get over it." Or "just one more try."  I'm not kidding myself anymore.  Like I told my friend, I just need to accept how I feel, not pretend to be strong and put on a brave face, but just let it hurt.  Cos it's okay to hurt.  And ultimately I am loved anyway by someone much more wonderful than anyone I will ever know down here.

I kinda hope I remain the optimist.  It's not logical, but it's beautiful.

Maybe it will work out the way I hope, maybe it won't. If it does, it will make a wonderful story.  If it doesn't, I will know I have risked and done all I can do, because you can't make someone love you.  And when the time is right, I will move on, naturally. But in the knowledge of one simple fact...

God does not move on, He does not give up.

I think that's beautiful.

What the...

Just went outside (for a smoke)...not so good on the quitting...
 
But there were kids playing, and I overheard their talk as I stood...is
One of them shouted; "What the hell?" And one of the others quickly reprimanded them for their 'bad language.'  The response; "Hell isn't a bad word."  Whats more interesting was that at this point a small boy, probably about 7 years old, replied with; "The bible says you're not allowed to say that."

Where does a small boy get, that from?

Probably his father...

I don't know what my reaction is to that...

At first I thought, where does the bible say that?  Then, what is this child's concept of hell?

My overall reaction though, is, that kids take in all we tell them.  What we tell them they will grow up to believe and this will be hard for them to shift (if they ever want to), and I guess I don't like that the kids on my street, probably think of the bible, if at all, as a rule book.  And rather, I believe it to be a love story.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I do think it is important what we teach our kids, because it can be beautiful, or dangerous.

Big Fish 2...

So...

In short...

I have made a call on the aforementioned 'big fish.'

Its a positive one...

So now waiting, and hoping...

A beautiful story may unfold...

Keep praying for me xo 

Big Fish...

So...

Recently I have had some 'big' fish to fry. But with yesterday came a prize catch, and all the fish in my frying pan suddenly look tiny.

I recieved some news, that to be honest, is rather life-changing, or at least has the potential to be. And with that news comes a decision that I need to make, and an infinitely difficult one at that. It really puts things into perspective when something like this happens. To be honest, all the little fish still seem big, and all my problems (mainly one) still seem like a big deal, but I guess I haven't really fully grasped the magnitude of whats going on. When I do...well...i dunno what that will be like.

Anyways, an opportunity has presented itself.

I spoke to a very close friend today, one whos wisdom I often rely on...and the advice he gave me was...well...non-existent. Why?? Because, like he pointed out, I already know what I 'should' do. Its a decision to either push forward and support the principles of the Kingdom, or not. And in theory, its an easy call...but its personal.

I spend a lot of time reading people's stories, and I often cry when I read a beautiful story that represents the Kingdom of God/heaven on earth. And similarly yesterday, as I thought about the beautiful story I may be able to be a part of, I cried.

Its easy when its not your story.

But when you preach love, and then have to show love, in the most difficult of scenarios, its not so easy.

Like I said, I guess I know what I have to do. But this is a BIG decision and could change a lot. So I need to mull over that, and pray for the strength and wisdom to do what I need to do. It could be beautiful, to be honest it could also backfire, but its not for me to 'judge,' but rather to do what is right, and hope, and love.

Pray for me if you will.

Its lent! Time to swim...

So lent is here...and this is the first year I have participated.

I kinda have this feeling that lent (not unlike new years resolutions) has a habit of being misguided, and a waste of time. Why? Because for the most part, we spend our time giving up things for no real reason, failing, feeling bad, and kinda missing the point.

I think lent is supposed to be about drawing closer to God.

This year I made several 'aims' that I hope to achieve for lent;

• To start driving (practical)
• To quit smoking (also practical)
• To budget time money better (as above)
• To draw closer to God (relational)
• and to follow the Mars Hill lent calender (??)

Anyways, smoking lasted 24-hours. Thats a toughie. No excuses, but I think the 'cold turkey' option is good for some, but maybe I need to find something positive to replace it with that has a similar effect, but in a more positive manner (like Paul suggests to the Ephesians in Ch 4 v 28).

Most of the others are going okay, but to be honest...the final 2 are the most important, because they are about what I do do, and not what I don't do. As much as all of the above are great ideas, I'm not gonna beat myself when I fail, because I think God more interested in me knowing Him, than whether or not I am disciplined...I think the later will follow.

Today I had to write a prayer to God explaining all the habits and behaviours I want to die to. And this is where it ties into a talk I just did at the weekend.

You see...I am needy...VERY needy...

I don't think anyone isn't.

But why?

It comes down to the lifeboat. Most of us live in this lifeboat. And there isn't room for everyone. So we try to get ahead. We use our looks, our abilities, our salary, our achievements, our race, our gender, our...whatever, to decide who is of the most value, and pit ourselves above others.

Next question...why??

I think its because we are disconnected. From God, mostly. I don't wanna go into theology much, but Adam and Eve were in perfect relationship with God...and they were naked. Then they sinned...and noticed they were naked. Its the thing the writer mentions..strange...no sin, naked, sin...fig leaves.

All of a sudden they were aware of themselves, and uneasy with who they were. There disconnection with God caused them to doubt their value. So they nipped down to TKMaxx and bought some fig leaves.

We live in this tension. We are disconnected...our lack of closeness with God causes us to doubt ourselves, and we look for value in our peers. We sleep around, get into loads of relationships, treat others badly, and all to make ourselves feel better, valued, loved.

But it doesnt work. Lust offers a promise it cannot deliver on. It leaves us wanting more...so when we have sex, or look at porn, or go through 6 girlfriends a month...we still feel empty, because we were designed to get our glory from God.

Jesus didn't live in the lifeboat. He didn't operate under the same social economy we do. Because his love came from the father, and he didn't doubt that.

I need people to like me. If they don't, I feel bad, invalidated. I don't rely on God for this. And it means that anytime someone doesn't like me, for good or no reason, it hurts me...and I try everything I can to make people like me...go to the gym to look 'good', try to excel in sports, try to look cool playing guitar at the front of church...whatever. These arent bad things, but when I rely on them to make people like me, its destructive. Because people can never offer what relationship with God does.

If you have made it this far through my sporatic thoughts, well done.

The point, I think lent is about (for me at least) drawing close to God, knowing (in my head and my heart) that He loves me, and finding value in Him so I don't go looking for it where I will never find it.

Ill end with a quote;

"He (Jesus) believed we should take every opportunity to fail in the lifeboat game, not for the sake of failing, but because there wasn't anything to win in the first place. It was as if He didn't believe the economy we live within had validity. No part of Him was decieved by it's power."

Its later than I planned, gotta sleep. But I pray that over this period of lent (and beyond) Jesus helps me to step out of the boat, and find value in Him...because he values me, and he values you immensely!

Control...

I've learned something in the last few weeks...

I haven't managed as of yet to transfer my learning from my head into my being, but I'm working on it. So here goes...

Firstly....Today is the most important day of my life. If you're anything like me you could possibly spend a lot of time pondering the past. Why things happened the way they happened, how it would look if they had happened differently, and worst of all, if I had done something differently, would it have changed the outcome of the situation I am currently in?? The problem with this...is that the moment has gone. No matter how much you think through the past, you can't change it. No matter whether your actions could have changed the outcome or not, they didn't, and yesterday is gone.

Secondly, you might like me, think about the future. What can I do to get the things I want, or to be the person I want to be. I am a hoper. I have this optimism that things will work out a certain way, and I spend a lot of time playing out scenarios in my head. But again, that doesn't usually change the outcomes in the long run, because my optimism often relies on how other people act and I cannot affect other peoples actions. Its nice to plan ahead, but today can pass you by if you're not careful...

And that leads to my point, a fairly obvious one...if you live in yesterday or tomorrow, today can slip past you. I've lost a lot of days this way...and to be honest I'll probably lose a lot more, because as easy as it is to understand, its much, much harder to put into practice. I find that I am fairly easily swayed by events. When things go well, I'm a happy little man, and when the don't go the way I want them to, I shut down...I worry, and I don't handle the situation very well.

Jesus said not to worry. That's tough! He explained that all we need, we find in God. He talked about birds and flowers, things that do not have the capacity to worry. But yet always seem to have the things they need. And he talked about how when we worry, it doesn't change our circumstances...

Wise words.

I'm working on this. I can't change the past, and I can't control the future....I wish I could. But I can't. So I need to learn to roll with the punches.

In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller talks about how joy is temporal, and it's temporal nature gives it its beauty. To an extent I agree...but I need to learn not to be so easily swayed by events and situations I can't control. I need to learn to be happy, like Paul, in all situations, with nothing and with everything. I have to learn to find what I need in Jesus....

Sounds easy...

Its not...

But I know someone who can help me...

Mr Motivator

I was talking to a friend today about the motivation that drives us to do the things we do. More so the good things rather than the bad things. Its fairly clear (I think) why we do things that are harmful to us. Normally its because they are fun, pleasurable. It may only be short term but for a while at least, they make us feel good. I think that's why its so easy to get addicted to things. Things like smoking, getting drunk, taking drugs, looking at porn, making fun of other people...they all make us feel good, but that quickly goes away, and we need then to do them again in order to feel good again.

But that's not really what we were talking about. We were talking about our motivation for doing good. And sometimes we don't think about that. We assume if we do something good, or if we can make someone else do something good, it doesn't matter how or why we get them to do it.

Generally (and I am stereotyping here) Christians do things for one of two reasons; Guilt - that is they feel bad about the situation in Africa, or see someone else doing something good and feel they need to do something too. And Fear - I don't want to go to hell, I don't want my friends to go to hell, so I better do something in order to avoid becoming eternal firewood.

I think the Church generally likes to use these two feelings in order to get people to act a certain way. Recently I heard someone preaching. The preacher said someone had asked him if it was okay to date a non-Christian. The preacher said he felt it was a bad idea, to which the questioner responded; "But she's hot." Preachers response was; "So is hell!" At this point everyone laughed apart from myself and a couple of other people. I don't know whats worse, we use fear of eternal punishment to scare people into living a certain way, or the fact that we can laugh at a joke like this, whilst believing that people will actually go to a place of eternal conscious torment. I find it kinda weird.

But anyway, I don't think I believe that God wants to scare us or make us feel guilty. I think that God is my daddy, and I think my daddy truly wants whats best for me. I believe he loves me unconditionally, that any act of inherent good I do is not done in order to retain my salvation, or pay God back for what he has done for me, but rather that with every decision I make, I want to be the highest possible form of me I can be at any particular point in time.

Imagine if evangelism teams were not teams who went about handing out calendars! As I joked today;

"Here have a calender with a picture of my Church on it! Thats how much I love you, enough to give you a calender!"

Seriously! Is that the best we can do? Maybe if through the unconditional love of God, we learn to unconditionally love others, and live as the highest form of ourselves, maybe then rather than having to scare people into following Jesus, we will be able to offer them a beautiful lifestyle of love and compassion that attracts them to us, and to Him.

Anyway, thanks for the inspiration (you know who you are) and the space to think this through...the coffee was good too!

I spotted this online today. I think its a true example of the kingdom of God here on earth, that's what we want, right?

http://xxxchurch.com/getinvolved/index/blog/jesuslovespornstarsespeciallyjessielee.html

I don't know about you, but I have not been given a spirit of fear, and I want my motivation to come from the love bestowed upon me by my daddy.

And the point is...???

So, it's been a while since I've blogged.

Its around 9.30pm (Detroit time) and I'm outside my hotel sitting on a little rocking bench with my headphones on, right now listening to Radiohead's beautiful 'Motion Picture Soundtrack' with a cup of coffee and a muffin I grabbed from the Tim Horton's across the street from my hotel. To be honest, I'm a little bored, and thats probably half the reason I'm blogging...

But the other half of the reason is a strange feeling that I have in my chest right now.

I have had one of the best days I have had in a long time today. I've met some wonderful people while I've been over here for Paul's wedding, not least Sarah, Heidi and Matt, who I spent most of the day with along with the wonderful Betty (Elisabeth for the rest of you). It's been great. Today we went to this little beach next to a lake. It was at very short notice and we had to pack up some stuff from Paul and Brit's wedding reception, so we didn't have a lot of time, and most only Heidi had a swimsuit. Nonetheless off we went. After a lot of sitting around, chatting and wading out into the water, we eventually ended up with most of our clothes on swimming around in the lake. The car ride home was interesting, Matt and I with soaking jeans, and Sarah having to head to work an hour later and no time to go home and shower.

It was awesome. At one point we were just all standing around in a circle looking at each other, and I just thought, 'this is amazing!' I caught Matt's eye and just smiled, because for me it was one of those times that just transcended words. Nothing needed to be said, we just knew.

But thats not really what this blog is about...kinda...

I like stories. One of my previous blogs was about story, and using story as a metaphor for life. And today, maybe because of the great time I have had, or maybe just because, I have this deep feeling of dissatisfaction. Its hard to describe, but theres this weight on my chest, and I think it's telling me something, to be honest, I think partly, it's God.

I was talking today with Sarah, half jokingly, about moving over here. Crazy. But that made me ask the big question... 'why not?'

Thats not to say I'm now ready to go home and get packed and head over the water to the land of opportunity...just yet anyway :-)

But what it made me ask was "what is stopping me from going away? What do I have at home that would hinder me?"

The answer really, is nothing. Don't get me wrong, I've got great friends at home, and a wonderful family, but my life, at present isn't going anywhere. My story is dull. Sure I have goals; get a better job, save some money, learn to drive, get a car. But whats the point? What do I wake up in the morning for? I really don't know.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm typing as I think. But I guess there are probably people out there somewhere with the same thoughts. That same feeling of dissatisfaction. I guess I need a purpose. And I guess that needs to come from God, but at the moment I have this feeling in my chest, and it's the kind of feeling that makes me not want to come home.

So the point is...

Well...

I don't know.

What do you wake up for? Do you know your purpose? I know one thing, I need to figure mine out. Of course, if I leave it long enough, the feeling will pass and I can go back to my pointless goals, but I hope I don't, I need more. I'm hoping I'll figure out what that is, and what this feeling in my chest is trying to tell me.

To end, the beautiful words of Queens of the Stone Age;

"I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live."

Who do you love??

Love

That's a word that is flung about in Christian circles without much thought. We talk about how important it is, and we all agree on this, but often how it looks can vary from person to person. Who we share it with can be decided on many things such as sexuality, morals and values, ethnicity, nationality and various other things.

I've been thinking recently about love. As usual this spawns from my latest read; "Jesus Loves You, This I Know." The book is written by Craig Gross (The Porn Pastor) who has dedicated his life to loving the unloved and the scorned. He and his friends go to porn shows, conventions and spend a lot of time in places Christians generally are afraid to go. He wants to communicate the message of Jesus' love to those who need it most. I love what he does, and personally think that where Craig spends his time is biblically where Jesus would spend his time. I love the quote on one of the t-shirts his ministry sells; "Don't blame the darkness for being dark, blame the light for not shining bright enough." (Information on Craig's ministry can be found at www.xxxchurch.com). Jason Harper is the other author. He is the pastor of a 'superchurch' in America and was convicted about spending too much time in Christian circles and so decided to spend some time working in a 'normal' job to see how it would feel to try and communicate the message of Jesus in an everyday setting. To spend more time doing what most people do, and to use that as a platform to share Jesus' love. I recommend this book to everyone. Its a great read, and stirs up some interesting thoughts on what this love thing really means.

Anyway, I was doing a talk at my church youth group and I decided to speak on a verse from Luke. The verse is simply; "I chose you, remember, you didn't chose me" (MSG) I thought about what this verse means, and the implications it has for me. Jesus chose me. Which means before I ever believed in him or made a choice to follow him. Romans puts it like this; "While we were still sinners..." Jesus loved us so much that he died to save us, knowing all the hurt we would cause Him and each other. Think about that for a second. We did nothing to deserve his love, but he gave it anyway.

So what does that have to do with me? I'm a Christian now, I've decided to follow Jesus and all the sins he died for have been forgiven. Well Jesus once said "Love on another as I have loved you." He tells us to do as he has done. He has showed us what it means to really love, and wants us to do the same. Jesus' expression of love is undeserved, unconditional love. Not the kind of love that only loves those who deserve to be loved. Not the kind of love that only loves those who love us. 'Even pagans do that!' No, Jesus calls us to love everyone, because he does.

I understand that sounds difficult. How do you love a paedophile, a murderer, a rapist? How to you love someone who has decided to make your life difficult? Someone who has hurt you? Someone who doesn't care if you love them or not? But thats the kind of love Jesus calls us to share!

Its so easy to love your neighbour, when your neighbour is a well mannered, kind, generous person. But when he's not...?? But Jesus died for, and loves the people we refuse to love even if we don't. Jesus died as much for the porn star as he did the pastor.

Who do you love? I think this is an important question to ask yourself. Are you going to get dirty? Are you going to stop making fun of the 'foreigners' and the people who sell the Big Issue? Are you going to offer the drunk or the homeless 'bum' on the street corner a smile and maybe an ear to listen, even when you can't understand what they are saying? Are you going to chose to love and forgive the person who has hurt you? Or are you going to chose to love? Are you going to use love like money, and dish it out to those who deserve it, or are you going to give it as freely as it has been given to you?

The reason I think this is important is because love changes people. Condemnation and judgement does not. I won't go into detail, but a great example of a story that illustrates this well is Les Miserables. Love takes a crook, and changes him into a good person.

If you want to see someone give their life to Jesus, love them like Jesus loves them. With no conditions, no rules, no set of beliefs to adhere to before their 'in.' Just love. I think thats all Jesus wants us to do, and he can do the rest.

Words...

Words are funny.

How we use them can make people laugh, or cry. They can make people happy or sad. And the same words never mean the same thing to different people. Take the word 'Christian' for example. That word can evoke many different responses from many different people. For one person it is something beautiful and positive, it is something that produces hope. For another it is negative, and can be connected to much hurt and anger.

I can be a bit obsessive when it comes to words. Some people call me pedantic, but I just think words are really powerful, and a simple phrase that comes out wrong, or is misinterpreted can have massive implications. This is why I love semantics. Its why I often correct people when their choice of word is bad (although that in itself can be a bad choice of words!)

The Bible has something to say about this. James talks about words and how powerful they can be;

'But a tiny spark can set a great forest on fire. And the tongue is a flame of fire.'
James 3v5-6

I have a bit of a problem when it comes to words. I don't think before I speak. Quite often I open my mouth and find myself regretting what I say before the words even reach the ears of the listeners. Even as I started writing this (in a car with some friends on the way to Donegal), I made a rather inappropriate joke, then looked at my computer screen and thought 'crap.' I give people a bad opinion of me, because the first impressions I give are quite often not too good because of my case of foot-in-mouth syndrome.

I need to change how I speak. I need to think before I speak.

Words can be used to build up, or knock down. I think its amazing what a difference words can make. A child who is told from a young age that they will never amount to anything, probably never will according to psychologists.

I found out recently how this works. I love football, and while I’m not very good, I play quite often and have a great time. I play with a lot of friends, and quite a lot of them used to spend a lot of time telling me how bad I was. This had an awful affect on my confidence. I remember one game in particular I played for 90 mins and did nothing. I didn’t want the ball because I thought if I got it I would just lose it.

I started playing for another team recently, and my coach Tommy made sure from the very start that I knew that he thought I was a good player. He spent a lot of time encouraging me, and it showed in my games. When I started to believe I was good enough, I wanted the ball more, and when I got it, I didn’t rush to get rid of it so quickly. I’m no Wayne Rooney, but I played pretty well.

How we talk to people can make a big impact on them, even if you think it’s only meant to be a bit of craic.

‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’

CRAP

Words do hurt, and used in the right way can be a very powerful tool for building people up. I’m gonna try to use words more positively. It will take time, but I’m working on it because I believe words matter. God gives us words to build people up, not to put them down, so let's be careful how we use them, and use God's words to encourage and to speak into peoples lives.

Belief Is a Beautiful Armour...

Beliefs are a funny thing. Everyone has beliefs, some people believe in gods, others believe in things like love, honesty, and integrity and some people claim they don't believe in anything. That they have no faith.

I don't believe that anybody can have no faith. I envy atheists sometimes. Really. It takes a tremendous amount of faith to believe that we all came from nothing. That everything happened by chance, and when we die, it all ends. The main contradiction I hear from atheists is the claim that Christians are narrow minded. After all, as a Christian, my whole faith system is built on there being more than I can see. Whilst the average atheist won't believe anything they can't see, anything they can't prove. Narrow minded? Hmmm.

I love the movie Dogma. I think it's a movie filled with pictures of what Christianity should be. One of my favourite parts of the movie is Chris Rock, who plays a character called Rufus (the 13th apostle of Jesus) talks about beliefs;

Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.

Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?

Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier. Life should malleable and progressive; working from idea to idea permits that. Beliefs anchor you to certain points and limit growth; new ideas can't generate. Life becomes stagnant.

I was listening to a guy called Johnson McMaster speaking recently. At one point he talked about beliefs, and how the post-modern Church is moving away from beliefs, and embracing spirituality more and more. He talked about how Christians, rather than being caught up in doctrine and theology, is starting to realise they don't have all the answers, and grasping hold of a few basic principles instead, for example how Jesus is the son of God, and how trusting in him brings salvation.

I've been asking myself a lot of questions. It's hard being a Christian, especially a young Christian. You go to church and listen to the pastor/minister speak on a Sunday, and he tells you what to believe. What the bible says is true. Sometimes, I think, he can get it wrong. I grew up in a religious family. I was taught that there are certain things that we should believe, but when I started questioning these things, I started to think they weren't all that important. Even more poigniantly, I started to become unsure of what to believe. I wasn't sure anymore if smokers, or people who said bad words or gays were all that bad, or if Jesus loved them any less or if I should for that matter. I became confused as to what Christianity was all about, and began thinking it was about a certain set of rules I needed to follow.

I have an issue with people who try to force beliefs on other people. "Belief is a beautiful armour, but makes for the heaviest sword." Who am I to say that the things I believe are right, and the things you believe are wrong? And even if I am right, is proving you wrong going to make you want to believe the things I believe? I have this crazy idea that maybe Jesus wants us to love people, unconditionally, no matter what they believe, and let them ask the questions. I'm not saying it's wrong to talk about Jesus, I love to talk about Jesus, but walking up to a stranger on the street and telling them how they are a sinner and are going to spend eternity in hell unless they start to believe the things I believe...it just doesn't sit right with me.

There's a little bit of theory behind faith. A few guys have studied faith, and come up with stages that people go through in their 'faith journey.' A guy called Fowler was one of the main guys behind the research, but a guy called Brian McClaren adopted Fowlers 7 stages and cut them down to 3. I like his version.

The 4 main stages Brian talks about are; Simplicity, Complexity, Perplexity and Humility/Harmony. Stage 1 is a very dualistic, us and them view of the world. You have all the right answers, everything is simple, you are right and everyone else is wrong. In stage 2 you start to realise that there are other views that aren’t the same as yours, but are also not necessarily wrong. Here rather than right or wrong you start to think about whether things work. You focus on ‘how to’s’. In stage 3 you start to wonder whos opinion in the right one and you start to get angry at people who claim that the answers are so easy. You start to look for honesty in people, but move away from looking for people who have all the right answers. People who claim to not know all the answers are more attractive than people who claim they have the answers. In stage 4 you realise that you don’t have all the answers, but you tend to take a few small, essentials and try to build your life around them. The focus instead of being right or wrong, shifts to wise or unwise. You become more sympathetic for people in stages 1-3.

I think Jesus wants us to be wise. To think about how we act. I don't think Jesus wants us to get everything right. He knows we can't. I think rather than being too caught up in what we believe, we should question. Questions are good. Often they lead to...more questions. But thats okay. I'm not God. I'm never going to understand everything, even though I like to try, but in the end, I think what matters most is that we love a lot, and search for God everyday. Half the fun is in not knowing the answers.

I don't know the answers. But I love Jesus, and Jesus loves me, and I'm convinced if I keep looking for answers, he will help me find some. It's frusrating, and beautiful and confusing, but its fun.

Just to leave you with something nice, here's a beautiful song by Passion Pit called To Kingdom Come. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UX1KXFRIrpc

Who we are when nobody's watching...

I study community youth work at Jordanstown. Quite a large part of the course is dedicated to developing self-awareness. Some of the most important, and difficult lessons I have ever learned are lessons about myself. I've been learning a lot of those recently.

I remember being at a training session about 7 years ago, just before my year out with Youth For Christ. I can't remember what the session was about. All I remember is one phrase. "Character is - who when are when nobody's watching"

This has never left me.

For a long time I have been obsessed with what people think about me. So I spend a lot of time putting on a facade, hiding who I really am to try and make people think that I am someone else. However, as soon as I am alone, I take off my mask and return to being the real me.

This has hurt me, and I have hurt a lot of people as a result. Because I've spent so long worrying about what people think of me, and not what God thinks of me. I haven't been real.

Back to story metaphor...

My life is a story, and someone is watching. When you watch a movie, you have an opinion of each of the characters in the story. This opinion is not just drawn up from their interactions with the other characters, but from everything they do. You see into their heads and you see their motives, even if the other characters don't spot them.

God can see my motives, my thoughts, my feelings and how I treat other people. I want my story to be better.

Who I am has on the inside has begun to change. It's not easy. I can't change myself. But Jesus has the power to help me change. It's easy to love the darkness, but only Jesus can change us so that we will love the light.

Creating a good story...

So recently I've been reading a new book called 'A Million Miles in a Thousand Years' by a guy called Donald Miller. He's a genius I think. I love the way he writes. There's something beautiful about his writing. It manages to be incredibly simple (for the intellectually challenged like myself) and yet what he says is often so profound. I find myself thinking; "oh yeah, I never really thought of it that way before" on so many occassions.

His new book talks about the journey he went on taking one of his other books, 'Blue Like Jazz' and editing the stories to make them movie friendly, and the lessons he learned whilst doing this. One of the main things he talks about is story. What makes a good story, and why the good stories stick in our heads and make us happy.

I've been obsessed with story metaphor recently. I find that in many conversations I find myself talking about the 'characters' and creating 'inciting incidents.' I do this a lot. I get this idea stuck in my head and I play it over and over until everybody eventually gets bored of listening to me. I'm a stuck record really.

I don't like my story much. It's pretty boring. I found myself asking the hard question, if my life was a movie, would I get bored watching it, and what would I think of the main character, and I didn't like the answer very much...

The main character in my story is selfish. He thinks too much about himself, and not enough about others. All the other characters only play bit parts, and when they turn up in scenes, he gets worried that they will get in the way and ruin his story. Not only that, but not much happens in my story. I go to work, I go to uni, I come home and don't do very much.

This is why I've decided I want my story to be a better one. I've decided to create more inciting incidents.

In church on Sunday, Craig talked about having high expectations for the new year. I took this personally and decided to create my first inciting incident yesterday. Chris explains it much better than me, so I'll let him tell the story;

"My mate Richie works in the one i go to. The conversations we've had are flippin off the wall sometimes, just discussin our faith, our hope our dreams, we dare to dream out loud and express our fears and failures and hope that God stil loves us and will continue to change us, and He will and that's a good thing. But Richie, well he's a legend, a good guy, likeable, fun, a bit like myself but not as awesome, he's younger tho so he could use that excuse...

I bring the richmeister up because yesterday while i was sippin my Christmas blend, he came over and asked me a question with a big grin on his face: " see that cute girl over there? i know she's a Christian, should i go over and give her my number?" I laughed and started grinning and just said, "live the story man". "yeah, that's what i was thinkin', i'm doin it".

He did it. He actually did it the crazy cat! He was terrified but he realised he wanted to live a better story than the one he was livin', that he wanted to have some pretty sweet memories, so he did it!"

http://chrismccune.blogspot.com/2010/01/we-were-meant-to-live-get-with-it.html?spref=fb

Thanks Chris.

I don't know if it was a smart move, to be honest, but I took a risk! I asked a girl to go for coffee...kinda. If she wants to she can call me, if she doesn't, then what have I lost?

I think from now on I'm gonna cause lots more inciting incidents. I want to live, I want my story to be memorable, and if I ever have to watch it, I don't wanna fall asleep. The character in my story went from being a gutless wimp, wishing he could ask that girl, but never doing anything about it to the guy who takes action. And sure he's gonna fall flat on his face plenty of times, but at least he's gonna try, and it will be worth watching!

So I've been thinking...

For anybody who knows me quite well, the title of this first blog won't be much of a surprise. I think a lot...in fact over-think a lot! I'm weird like that. For me though, thinking isn't enough. I like to talk. I'll meet with friends for coffee and talk about what I've been doing and what I've been reading, and we'll sit for hours discussing the implications of what Don's said in his latest book, and the song we heard that day. Its great. Unfortunately I don't get to do this as often as I would like so I decided to start blogging.

It took me a while to come round to the idea. It popped into my head and I thought about it for a while and thought, "who would possibly want to read what I think, or who even cares for that matter?"

A few friends of mine recently starting blogging however, and I thought, it is a great idea, why not? But that niggling feeling kept coming back. The turning point however was in Starbucks one day, performing my daily duties as coffee monkey. A girl I know called Ruth came in and I was chatting to her for a while (not slacking off work of course...kinda). I don't remember how it came up, but I mentioned that I might start blogging, just putting down a few thoughts. She told me enthusiastically how she thought it was great idea, and I definitely should. I went on to explain to her how nobody wants to read about me, or my thoughts, and how I'm lazy anyway, and would probably never bother. She replied by saying "just do it when you can, once a month or something, and don't do it for anyone else, do it for you!" So I decided to go for it! Thanks Ruth!

One of my friends who has started blogging by the way is Chris McCune

http://chrismccune.blogspot.com/

One of his first blogs was even about me, and his stuff's great so check that out!

Anyway...feel free to read along as I write down some random thoughts and ideas, and feel free to leave comments or discuss something with me, I'd like that.