It hurts...

I just had a wonderful long conversation with a close friend who I love dearly.  It was about love.  Namely of the romantic type...but also in a deeper sense...

My friend and I share the experience of heartbreak.  And it's not pleasant.  It sucks.  It hurts.  Its horrible.  But it happens.

Sometimes you extend yourself to a person, give your heart to them, offer them your love, and sometimes they hand it back.  They don't want it.  And there is probably no feeling worse than that.

It draws up all sorts of questions.  Am I good enough? Did I do something wrong (or lots of things in my case)? Do I need to change? Will anybody love me.

I think these are some of the hardest questions to deal with.  They are questions of value.  Questions that call your whole person into question.  And mostly I know the answers to these questions.  But they are hard to digest.  Not because I don't want to, but because when we are not validated by someone, when someone rejects us, when we have risked and that risk has proved painful, it hurts, and really we all just want to be loved.

Like I told my friend, the biggest shame would be decided that the pain is not worth the risk.

We talked about God.  Who I think God is, and what I think the bible is.

Its a love story.

God extends himself to people, and people reject him.  He loves them furiously, and they say 'no thanks.'  They constantly keep deciding that theres other things out there, better things.  But God keeps loving, risking, extending himself to people.

I have been told quite often that I am weak.  And in many ways I am.  But I have been told recently that I need people too much.  And people watch me hope, extend myself, and get hurt, and tell me I'm better off giving up.

But God doesn't give up.

Ever.

I am not by any means suggesting I am like God.  But if there is someone to learn from...I guess He's a good start.  God doesn't hurt us, He doesn't make the mistakes we do.  He doesn't need to apologise for the way He treats us sometimes.  And I guess sometimes, some people just aren't meant to be together, as a couple, as one.

I want to keep hoping.

This may not be successful, and I may keep on getting hurt, and sometime I may give up hope and become disillusioned, but I like that I hope.  I often tell people I am a realist, but really, I'm an optimist.

I did a test a few months ago.  Its a personality test by some guy Kiersey or something.  I was told it was good.  It told me I am a teacher, and amongst other things, that I see the good, the positives in people.  That I see people as they could be, and not necessarily as they are.  That sounds cool to me.

I think thats how God sees people.  As they could be, and that love brings them into that place.  It loves them into their future.  It changes them.  Its almost as if the way God loves us, convinces us that we are the person he created us to be, and so we become that person.

I don't think this always works with people, in relationships, romantic relationships.  Sometimes people just don't feel about us the way we feel about them.  And at some point I will need to put my eggs in a new basket.  To be honest I don't know if there will be a specific turning point when this happens.  I've kidded myself in the past into thinking; "If she just says this, I'll give up and get over it." Or "just one more try."  I'm not kidding myself anymore.  Like I told my friend, I just need to accept how I feel, not pretend to be strong and put on a brave face, but just let it hurt.  Cos it's okay to hurt.  And ultimately I am loved anyway by someone much more wonderful than anyone I will ever know down here.

I kinda hope I remain the optimist.  It's not logical, but it's beautiful.

Maybe it will work out the way I hope, maybe it won't. If it does, it will make a wonderful story.  If it doesn't, I will know I have risked and done all I can do, because you can't make someone love you.  And when the time is right, I will move on, naturally. But in the knowledge of one simple fact...

God does not move on, He does not give up.

I think that's beautiful.

What the...

Just went outside (for a smoke)...not so good on the quitting...
 
But there were kids playing, and I overheard their talk as I stood...is
One of them shouted; "What the hell?" And one of the others quickly reprimanded them for their 'bad language.'  The response; "Hell isn't a bad word."  Whats more interesting was that at this point a small boy, probably about 7 years old, replied with; "The bible says you're not allowed to say that."

Where does a small boy get, that from?

Probably his father...

I don't know what my reaction is to that...

At first I thought, where does the bible say that?  Then, what is this child's concept of hell?

My overall reaction though, is, that kids take in all we tell them.  What we tell them they will grow up to believe and this will be hard for them to shift (if they ever want to), and I guess I don't like that the kids on my street, probably think of the bible, if at all, as a rule book.  And rather, I believe it to be a love story.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I do think it is important what we teach our kids, because it can be beautiful, or dangerous.

Big Fish 2...

So...

In short...

I have made a call on the aforementioned 'big fish.'

Its a positive one...

So now waiting, and hoping...

A beautiful story may unfold...

Keep praying for me xo 

Big Fish...

So...

Recently I have had some 'big' fish to fry. But with yesterday came a prize catch, and all the fish in my frying pan suddenly look tiny.

I recieved some news, that to be honest, is rather life-changing, or at least has the potential to be. And with that news comes a decision that I need to make, and an infinitely difficult one at that. It really puts things into perspective when something like this happens. To be honest, all the little fish still seem big, and all my problems (mainly one) still seem like a big deal, but I guess I haven't really fully grasped the magnitude of whats going on. When I do...well...i dunno what that will be like.

Anyways, an opportunity has presented itself.

I spoke to a very close friend today, one whos wisdom I often rely on...and the advice he gave me was...well...non-existent. Why?? Because, like he pointed out, I already know what I 'should' do. Its a decision to either push forward and support the principles of the Kingdom, or not. And in theory, its an easy call...but its personal.

I spend a lot of time reading people's stories, and I often cry when I read a beautiful story that represents the Kingdom of God/heaven on earth. And similarly yesterday, as I thought about the beautiful story I may be able to be a part of, I cried.

Its easy when its not your story.

But when you preach love, and then have to show love, in the most difficult of scenarios, its not so easy.

Like I said, I guess I know what I have to do. But this is a BIG decision and could change a lot. So I need to mull over that, and pray for the strength and wisdom to do what I need to do. It could be beautiful, to be honest it could also backfire, but its not for me to 'judge,' but rather to do what is right, and hope, and love.

Pray for me if you will.

Its lent! Time to swim...

So lent is here...and this is the first year I have participated.

I kinda have this feeling that lent (not unlike new years resolutions) has a habit of being misguided, and a waste of time. Why? Because for the most part, we spend our time giving up things for no real reason, failing, feeling bad, and kinda missing the point.

I think lent is supposed to be about drawing closer to God.

This year I made several 'aims' that I hope to achieve for lent;

• To start driving (practical)
• To quit smoking (also practical)
• To budget time money better (as above)
• To draw closer to God (relational)
• and to follow the Mars Hill lent calender (??)

Anyways, smoking lasted 24-hours. Thats a toughie. No excuses, but I think the 'cold turkey' option is good for some, but maybe I need to find something positive to replace it with that has a similar effect, but in a more positive manner (like Paul suggests to the Ephesians in Ch 4 v 28).

Most of the others are going okay, but to be honest...the final 2 are the most important, because they are about what I do do, and not what I don't do. As much as all of the above are great ideas, I'm not gonna beat myself when I fail, because I think God more interested in me knowing Him, than whether or not I am disciplined...I think the later will follow.

Today I had to write a prayer to God explaining all the habits and behaviours I want to die to. And this is where it ties into a talk I just did at the weekend.

You see...I am needy...VERY needy...

I don't think anyone isn't.

But why?

It comes down to the lifeboat. Most of us live in this lifeboat. And there isn't room for everyone. So we try to get ahead. We use our looks, our abilities, our salary, our achievements, our race, our gender, our...whatever, to decide who is of the most value, and pit ourselves above others.

Next question...why??

I think its because we are disconnected. From God, mostly. I don't wanna go into theology much, but Adam and Eve were in perfect relationship with God...and they were naked. Then they sinned...and noticed they were naked. Its the thing the writer mentions..strange...no sin, naked, sin...fig leaves.

All of a sudden they were aware of themselves, and uneasy with who they were. There disconnection with God caused them to doubt their value. So they nipped down to TKMaxx and bought some fig leaves.

We live in this tension. We are disconnected...our lack of closeness with God causes us to doubt ourselves, and we look for value in our peers. We sleep around, get into loads of relationships, treat others badly, and all to make ourselves feel better, valued, loved.

But it doesnt work. Lust offers a promise it cannot deliver on. It leaves us wanting more...so when we have sex, or look at porn, or go through 6 girlfriends a month...we still feel empty, because we were designed to get our glory from God.

Jesus didn't live in the lifeboat. He didn't operate under the same social economy we do. Because his love came from the father, and he didn't doubt that.

I need people to like me. If they don't, I feel bad, invalidated. I don't rely on God for this. And it means that anytime someone doesn't like me, for good or no reason, it hurts me...and I try everything I can to make people like me...go to the gym to look 'good', try to excel in sports, try to look cool playing guitar at the front of church...whatever. These arent bad things, but when I rely on them to make people like me, its destructive. Because people can never offer what relationship with God does.

If you have made it this far through my sporatic thoughts, well done.

The point, I think lent is about (for me at least) drawing close to God, knowing (in my head and my heart) that He loves me, and finding value in Him so I don't go looking for it where I will never find it.

Ill end with a quote;

"He (Jesus) believed we should take every opportunity to fail in the lifeboat game, not for the sake of failing, but because there wasn't anything to win in the first place. It was as if He didn't believe the economy we live within had validity. No part of Him was decieved by it's power."

Its later than I planned, gotta sleep. But I pray that over this period of lent (and beyond) Jesus helps me to step out of the boat, and find value in Him...because he values me, and he values you immensely!

Control...

I've learned something in the last few weeks...

I haven't managed as of yet to transfer my learning from my head into my being, but I'm working on it. So here goes...

Firstly....Today is the most important day of my life. If you're anything like me you could possibly spend a lot of time pondering the past. Why things happened the way they happened, how it would look if they had happened differently, and worst of all, if I had done something differently, would it have changed the outcome of the situation I am currently in?? The problem with this...is that the moment has gone. No matter how much you think through the past, you can't change it. No matter whether your actions could have changed the outcome or not, they didn't, and yesterday is gone.

Secondly, you might like me, think about the future. What can I do to get the things I want, or to be the person I want to be. I am a hoper. I have this optimism that things will work out a certain way, and I spend a lot of time playing out scenarios in my head. But again, that doesn't usually change the outcomes in the long run, because my optimism often relies on how other people act and I cannot affect other peoples actions. Its nice to plan ahead, but today can pass you by if you're not careful...

And that leads to my point, a fairly obvious one...if you live in yesterday or tomorrow, today can slip past you. I've lost a lot of days this way...and to be honest I'll probably lose a lot more, because as easy as it is to understand, its much, much harder to put into practice. I find that I am fairly easily swayed by events. When things go well, I'm a happy little man, and when the don't go the way I want them to, I shut down...I worry, and I don't handle the situation very well.

Jesus said not to worry. That's tough! He explained that all we need, we find in God. He talked about birds and flowers, things that do not have the capacity to worry. But yet always seem to have the things they need. And he talked about how when we worry, it doesn't change our circumstances...

Wise words.

I'm working on this. I can't change the past, and I can't control the future....I wish I could. But I can't. So I need to learn to roll with the punches.

In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller talks about how joy is temporal, and it's temporal nature gives it its beauty. To an extent I agree...but I need to learn not to be so easily swayed by events and situations I can't control. I need to learn to be happy, like Paul, in all situations, with nothing and with everything. I have to learn to find what I need in Jesus....

Sounds easy...

Its not...

But I know someone who can help me...

Mr Motivator

I was talking to a friend today about the motivation that drives us to do the things we do. More so the good things rather than the bad things. Its fairly clear (I think) why we do things that are harmful to us. Normally its because they are fun, pleasurable. It may only be short term but for a while at least, they make us feel good. I think that's why its so easy to get addicted to things. Things like smoking, getting drunk, taking drugs, looking at porn, making fun of other people...they all make us feel good, but that quickly goes away, and we need then to do them again in order to feel good again.

But that's not really what we were talking about. We were talking about our motivation for doing good. And sometimes we don't think about that. We assume if we do something good, or if we can make someone else do something good, it doesn't matter how or why we get them to do it.

Generally (and I am stereotyping here) Christians do things for one of two reasons; Guilt - that is they feel bad about the situation in Africa, or see someone else doing something good and feel they need to do something too. And Fear - I don't want to go to hell, I don't want my friends to go to hell, so I better do something in order to avoid becoming eternal firewood.

I think the Church generally likes to use these two feelings in order to get people to act a certain way. Recently I heard someone preaching. The preacher said someone had asked him if it was okay to date a non-Christian. The preacher said he felt it was a bad idea, to which the questioner responded; "But she's hot." Preachers response was; "So is hell!" At this point everyone laughed apart from myself and a couple of other people. I don't know whats worse, we use fear of eternal punishment to scare people into living a certain way, or the fact that we can laugh at a joke like this, whilst believing that people will actually go to a place of eternal conscious torment. I find it kinda weird.

But anyway, I don't think I believe that God wants to scare us or make us feel guilty. I think that God is my daddy, and I think my daddy truly wants whats best for me. I believe he loves me unconditionally, that any act of inherent good I do is not done in order to retain my salvation, or pay God back for what he has done for me, but rather that with every decision I make, I want to be the highest possible form of me I can be at any particular point in time.

Imagine if evangelism teams were not teams who went about handing out calendars! As I joked today;

"Here have a calender with a picture of my Church on it! Thats how much I love you, enough to give you a calender!"

Seriously! Is that the best we can do? Maybe if through the unconditional love of God, we learn to unconditionally love others, and live as the highest form of ourselves, maybe then rather than having to scare people into following Jesus, we will be able to offer them a beautiful lifestyle of love and compassion that attracts them to us, and to Him.

Anyway, thanks for the inspiration (you know who you are) and the space to think this through...the coffee was good too!

I spotted this online today. I think its a true example of the kingdom of God here on earth, that's what we want, right?

http://xxxchurch.com/getinvolved/index/blog/jesuslovespornstarsespeciallyjessielee.html

I don't know about you, but I have not been given a spirit of fear, and I want my motivation to come from the love bestowed upon me by my daddy.