Big Fish 2...

So...

In short...

I have made a call on the aforementioned 'big fish.'

Its a positive one...

So now waiting, and hoping...

A beautiful story may unfold...

Keep praying for me xo 

Big Fish...

So...

Recently I have had some 'big' fish to fry. But with yesterday came a prize catch, and all the fish in my frying pan suddenly look tiny.

I recieved some news, that to be honest, is rather life-changing, or at least has the potential to be. And with that news comes a decision that I need to make, and an infinitely difficult one at that. It really puts things into perspective when something like this happens. To be honest, all the little fish still seem big, and all my problems (mainly one) still seem like a big deal, but I guess I haven't really fully grasped the magnitude of whats going on. When I do...well...i dunno what that will be like.

Anyways, an opportunity has presented itself.

I spoke to a very close friend today, one whos wisdom I often rely on...and the advice he gave me was...well...non-existent. Why?? Because, like he pointed out, I already know what I 'should' do. Its a decision to either push forward and support the principles of the Kingdom, or not. And in theory, its an easy call...but its personal.

I spend a lot of time reading people's stories, and I often cry when I read a beautiful story that represents the Kingdom of God/heaven on earth. And similarly yesterday, as I thought about the beautiful story I may be able to be a part of, I cried.

Its easy when its not your story.

But when you preach love, and then have to show love, in the most difficult of scenarios, its not so easy.

Like I said, I guess I know what I have to do. But this is a BIG decision and could change a lot. So I need to mull over that, and pray for the strength and wisdom to do what I need to do. It could be beautiful, to be honest it could also backfire, but its not for me to 'judge,' but rather to do what is right, and hope, and love.

Pray for me if you will.

Its lent! Time to swim...

So lent is here...and this is the first year I have participated.

I kinda have this feeling that lent (not unlike new years resolutions) has a habit of being misguided, and a waste of time. Why? Because for the most part, we spend our time giving up things for no real reason, failing, feeling bad, and kinda missing the point.

I think lent is supposed to be about drawing closer to God.

This year I made several 'aims' that I hope to achieve for lent;

• To start driving (practical)
• To quit smoking (also practical)
• To budget time money better (as above)
• To draw closer to God (relational)
• and to follow the Mars Hill lent calender (??)

Anyways, smoking lasted 24-hours. Thats a toughie. No excuses, but I think the 'cold turkey' option is good for some, but maybe I need to find something positive to replace it with that has a similar effect, but in a more positive manner (like Paul suggests to the Ephesians in Ch 4 v 28).

Most of the others are going okay, but to be honest...the final 2 are the most important, because they are about what I do do, and not what I don't do. As much as all of the above are great ideas, I'm not gonna beat myself when I fail, because I think God more interested in me knowing Him, than whether or not I am disciplined...I think the later will follow.

Today I had to write a prayer to God explaining all the habits and behaviours I want to die to. And this is where it ties into a talk I just did at the weekend.

You see...I am needy...VERY needy...

I don't think anyone isn't.

But why?

It comes down to the lifeboat. Most of us live in this lifeboat. And there isn't room for everyone. So we try to get ahead. We use our looks, our abilities, our salary, our achievements, our race, our gender, our...whatever, to decide who is of the most value, and pit ourselves above others.

Next question...why??

I think its because we are disconnected. From God, mostly. I don't wanna go into theology much, but Adam and Eve were in perfect relationship with God...and they were naked. Then they sinned...and noticed they were naked. Its the thing the writer mentions..strange...no sin, naked, sin...fig leaves.

All of a sudden they were aware of themselves, and uneasy with who they were. There disconnection with God caused them to doubt their value. So they nipped down to TKMaxx and bought some fig leaves.

We live in this tension. We are disconnected...our lack of closeness with God causes us to doubt ourselves, and we look for value in our peers. We sleep around, get into loads of relationships, treat others badly, and all to make ourselves feel better, valued, loved.

But it doesnt work. Lust offers a promise it cannot deliver on. It leaves us wanting more...so when we have sex, or look at porn, or go through 6 girlfriends a month...we still feel empty, because we were designed to get our glory from God.

Jesus didn't live in the lifeboat. He didn't operate under the same social economy we do. Because his love came from the father, and he didn't doubt that.

I need people to like me. If they don't, I feel bad, invalidated. I don't rely on God for this. And it means that anytime someone doesn't like me, for good or no reason, it hurts me...and I try everything I can to make people like me...go to the gym to look 'good', try to excel in sports, try to look cool playing guitar at the front of church...whatever. These arent bad things, but when I rely on them to make people like me, its destructive. Because people can never offer what relationship with God does.

If you have made it this far through my sporatic thoughts, well done.

The point, I think lent is about (for me at least) drawing close to God, knowing (in my head and my heart) that He loves me, and finding value in Him so I don't go looking for it where I will never find it.

Ill end with a quote;

"He (Jesus) believed we should take every opportunity to fail in the lifeboat game, not for the sake of failing, but because there wasn't anything to win in the first place. It was as if He didn't believe the economy we live within had validity. No part of Him was decieved by it's power."

Its later than I planned, gotta sleep. But I pray that over this period of lent (and beyond) Jesus helps me to step out of the boat, and find value in Him...because he values me, and he values you immensely!

Control...

I've learned something in the last few weeks...

I haven't managed as of yet to transfer my learning from my head into my being, but I'm working on it. So here goes...

Firstly....Today is the most important day of my life. If you're anything like me you could possibly spend a lot of time pondering the past. Why things happened the way they happened, how it would look if they had happened differently, and worst of all, if I had done something differently, would it have changed the outcome of the situation I am currently in?? The problem with this...is that the moment has gone. No matter how much you think through the past, you can't change it. No matter whether your actions could have changed the outcome or not, they didn't, and yesterday is gone.

Secondly, you might like me, think about the future. What can I do to get the things I want, or to be the person I want to be. I am a hoper. I have this optimism that things will work out a certain way, and I spend a lot of time playing out scenarios in my head. But again, that doesn't usually change the outcomes in the long run, because my optimism often relies on how other people act and I cannot affect other peoples actions. Its nice to plan ahead, but today can pass you by if you're not careful...

And that leads to my point, a fairly obvious one...if you live in yesterday or tomorrow, today can slip past you. I've lost a lot of days this way...and to be honest I'll probably lose a lot more, because as easy as it is to understand, its much, much harder to put into practice. I find that I am fairly easily swayed by events. When things go well, I'm a happy little man, and when the don't go the way I want them to, I shut down...I worry, and I don't handle the situation very well.

Jesus said not to worry. That's tough! He explained that all we need, we find in God. He talked about birds and flowers, things that do not have the capacity to worry. But yet always seem to have the things they need. And he talked about how when we worry, it doesn't change our circumstances...

Wise words.

I'm working on this. I can't change the past, and I can't control the future....I wish I could. But I can't. So I need to learn to roll with the punches.

In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller talks about how joy is temporal, and it's temporal nature gives it its beauty. To an extent I agree...but I need to learn not to be so easily swayed by events and situations I can't control. I need to learn to be happy, like Paul, in all situations, with nothing and with everything. I have to learn to find what I need in Jesus....

Sounds easy...

Its not...

But I know someone who can help me...

Mr Motivator

I was talking to a friend today about the motivation that drives us to do the things we do. More so the good things rather than the bad things. Its fairly clear (I think) why we do things that are harmful to us. Normally its because they are fun, pleasurable. It may only be short term but for a while at least, they make us feel good. I think that's why its so easy to get addicted to things. Things like smoking, getting drunk, taking drugs, looking at porn, making fun of other people...they all make us feel good, but that quickly goes away, and we need then to do them again in order to feel good again.

But that's not really what we were talking about. We were talking about our motivation for doing good. And sometimes we don't think about that. We assume if we do something good, or if we can make someone else do something good, it doesn't matter how or why we get them to do it.

Generally (and I am stereotyping here) Christians do things for one of two reasons; Guilt - that is they feel bad about the situation in Africa, or see someone else doing something good and feel they need to do something too. And Fear - I don't want to go to hell, I don't want my friends to go to hell, so I better do something in order to avoid becoming eternal firewood.

I think the Church generally likes to use these two feelings in order to get people to act a certain way. Recently I heard someone preaching. The preacher said someone had asked him if it was okay to date a non-Christian. The preacher said he felt it was a bad idea, to which the questioner responded; "But she's hot." Preachers response was; "So is hell!" At this point everyone laughed apart from myself and a couple of other people. I don't know whats worse, we use fear of eternal punishment to scare people into living a certain way, or the fact that we can laugh at a joke like this, whilst believing that people will actually go to a place of eternal conscious torment. I find it kinda weird.

But anyway, I don't think I believe that God wants to scare us or make us feel guilty. I think that God is my daddy, and I think my daddy truly wants whats best for me. I believe he loves me unconditionally, that any act of inherent good I do is not done in order to retain my salvation, or pay God back for what he has done for me, but rather that with every decision I make, I want to be the highest possible form of me I can be at any particular point in time.

Imagine if evangelism teams were not teams who went about handing out calendars! As I joked today;

"Here have a calender with a picture of my Church on it! Thats how much I love you, enough to give you a calender!"

Seriously! Is that the best we can do? Maybe if through the unconditional love of God, we learn to unconditionally love others, and live as the highest form of ourselves, maybe then rather than having to scare people into following Jesus, we will be able to offer them a beautiful lifestyle of love and compassion that attracts them to us, and to Him.

Anyway, thanks for the inspiration (you know who you are) and the space to think this through...the coffee was good too!

I spotted this online today. I think its a true example of the kingdom of God here on earth, that's what we want, right?

http://xxxchurch.com/getinvolved/index/blog/jesuslovespornstarsespeciallyjessielee.html

I don't know about you, but I have not been given a spirit of fear, and I want my motivation to come from the love bestowed upon me by my daddy.

And the point is...???

So, it's been a while since I've blogged.

Its around 9.30pm (Detroit time) and I'm outside my hotel sitting on a little rocking bench with my headphones on, right now listening to Radiohead's beautiful 'Motion Picture Soundtrack' with a cup of coffee and a muffin I grabbed from the Tim Horton's across the street from my hotel. To be honest, I'm a little bored, and thats probably half the reason I'm blogging...

But the other half of the reason is a strange feeling that I have in my chest right now.

I have had one of the best days I have had in a long time today. I've met some wonderful people while I've been over here for Paul's wedding, not least Sarah, Heidi and Matt, who I spent most of the day with along with the wonderful Betty (Elisabeth for the rest of you). It's been great. Today we went to this little beach next to a lake. It was at very short notice and we had to pack up some stuff from Paul and Brit's wedding reception, so we didn't have a lot of time, and most only Heidi had a swimsuit. Nonetheless off we went. After a lot of sitting around, chatting and wading out into the water, we eventually ended up with most of our clothes on swimming around in the lake. The car ride home was interesting, Matt and I with soaking jeans, and Sarah having to head to work an hour later and no time to go home and shower.

It was awesome. At one point we were just all standing around in a circle looking at each other, and I just thought, 'this is amazing!' I caught Matt's eye and just smiled, because for me it was one of those times that just transcended words. Nothing needed to be said, we just knew.

But thats not really what this blog is about...kinda...

I like stories. One of my previous blogs was about story, and using story as a metaphor for life. And today, maybe because of the great time I have had, or maybe just because, I have this deep feeling of dissatisfaction. Its hard to describe, but theres this weight on my chest, and I think it's telling me something, to be honest, I think partly, it's God.

I was talking today with Sarah, half jokingly, about moving over here. Crazy. But that made me ask the big question... 'why not?'

Thats not to say I'm now ready to go home and get packed and head over the water to the land of opportunity...just yet anyway :-)

But what it made me ask was "what is stopping me from going away? What do I have at home that would hinder me?"

The answer really, is nothing. Don't get me wrong, I've got great friends at home, and a wonderful family, but my life, at present isn't going anywhere. My story is dull. Sure I have goals; get a better job, save some money, learn to drive, get a car. But whats the point? What do I wake up in the morning for? I really don't know.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm typing as I think. But I guess there are probably people out there somewhere with the same thoughts. That same feeling of dissatisfaction. I guess I need a purpose. And I guess that needs to come from God, but at the moment I have this feeling in my chest, and it's the kind of feeling that makes me not want to come home.

So the point is...

Well...

I don't know.

What do you wake up for? Do you know your purpose? I know one thing, I need to figure mine out. Of course, if I leave it long enough, the feeling will pass and I can go back to my pointless goals, but I hope I don't, I need more. I'm hoping I'll figure out what that is, and what this feeling in my chest is trying to tell me.

To end, the beautiful words of Queens of the Stone Age;

"I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live."

Who do you love??

Love

That's a word that is flung about in Christian circles without much thought. We talk about how important it is, and we all agree on this, but often how it looks can vary from person to person. Who we share it with can be decided on many things such as sexuality, morals and values, ethnicity, nationality and various other things.

I've been thinking recently about love. As usual this spawns from my latest read; "Jesus Loves You, This I Know." The book is written by Craig Gross (The Porn Pastor) who has dedicated his life to loving the unloved and the scorned. He and his friends go to porn shows, conventions and spend a lot of time in places Christians generally are afraid to go. He wants to communicate the message of Jesus' love to those who need it most. I love what he does, and personally think that where Craig spends his time is biblically where Jesus would spend his time. I love the quote on one of the t-shirts his ministry sells; "Don't blame the darkness for being dark, blame the light for not shining bright enough." (Information on Craig's ministry can be found at www.xxxchurch.com). Jason Harper is the other author. He is the pastor of a 'superchurch' in America and was convicted about spending too much time in Christian circles and so decided to spend some time working in a 'normal' job to see how it would feel to try and communicate the message of Jesus in an everyday setting. To spend more time doing what most people do, and to use that as a platform to share Jesus' love. I recommend this book to everyone. Its a great read, and stirs up some interesting thoughts on what this love thing really means.

Anyway, I was doing a talk at my church youth group and I decided to speak on a verse from Luke. The verse is simply; "I chose you, remember, you didn't chose me" (MSG) I thought about what this verse means, and the implications it has for me. Jesus chose me. Which means before I ever believed in him or made a choice to follow him. Romans puts it like this; "While we were still sinners..." Jesus loved us so much that he died to save us, knowing all the hurt we would cause Him and each other. Think about that for a second. We did nothing to deserve his love, but he gave it anyway.

So what does that have to do with me? I'm a Christian now, I've decided to follow Jesus and all the sins he died for have been forgiven. Well Jesus once said "Love on another as I have loved you." He tells us to do as he has done. He has showed us what it means to really love, and wants us to do the same. Jesus' expression of love is undeserved, unconditional love. Not the kind of love that only loves those who deserve to be loved. Not the kind of love that only loves those who love us. 'Even pagans do that!' No, Jesus calls us to love everyone, because he does.

I understand that sounds difficult. How do you love a paedophile, a murderer, a rapist? How to you love someone who has decided to make your life difficult? Someone who has hurt you? Someone who doesn't care if you love them or not? But thats the kind of love Jesus calls us to share!

Its so easy to love your neighbour, when your neighbour is a well mannered, kind, generous person. But when he's not...?? But Jesus died for, and loves the people we refuse to love even if we don't. Jesus died as much for the porn star as he did the pastor.

Who do you love? I think this is an important question to ask yourself. Are you going to get dirty? Are you going to stop making fun of the 'foreigners' and the people who sell the Big Issue? Are you going to offer the drunk or the homeless 'bum' on the street corner a smile and maybe an ear to listen, even when you can't understand what they are saying? Are you going to chose to love and forgive the person who has hurt you? Or are you going to chose to love? Are you going to use love like money, and dish it out to those who deserve it, or are you going to give it as freely as it has been given to you?

The reason I think this is important is because love changes people. Condemnation and judgement does not. I won't go into detail, but a great example of a story that illustrates this well is Les Miserables. Love takes a crook, and changes him into a good person.

If you want to see someone give their life to Jesus, love them like Jesus loves them. With no conditions, no rules, no set of beliefs to adhere to before their 'in.' Just love. I think thats all Jesus wants us to do, and he can do the rest.