An extract from Rob Bell's 'Sex God' which is truly beautiful;
"Do you realise that you are worth dying for?
You don't need to give yourself away to someone who won't give himself to you. You don't need to use your body to get what you need. Its a cop out for not being a certain kind of woman-a woman of dignity and honour.
Some women only know how to relate to men by making a series of transactions. They want to be wanted, and the man wants, well, the man wants what lots of men want. So they trade. Essentially they strike a deal with men, time and time again.
I have what you want. you have what I want, so lets make a deal. I need this, you need that.
Some women learn at an early age how to negotiate. They need to be loved, to be validated, to be worth something. And they discover that by giving a little of themselves to a boy, they get what they need in return. Its a cycle, a pattern, that can stay with them their entire lives.
Sex becomes a search. A search for something they're missing. A quest for the unconditional embrace. And so they go from relationship to relationship looking for what they already have.
The search is about that need.
But sex is not the search for something that missing. Its the expression of something that has been found. It's designed to be the overflow, the culmination of something that a man and a woman have found in each other. Its a celebration of this living, breathing thing thats happened between the two of them.
You dont need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You are already loved and valued. Youre good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this??? Because it's true. YOU HAVE LIMITLESS WORTH AND VALUE. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of life, especially your relationship with men.
You are worth dying for.
Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you put out, ow much money you make. Your worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your creator.
You will continue to be tempted in a thousand different ways not to believe this. The temptation will be to go searching for your worth in places other than your creator.
Especially from men.
But when you give yourself away too quickly, when your show too much skin, your not being true to yourself. When you dress to show us everything, then in some sense we have all shared in it, or at least been exposed to it. There is a mystery to you, infinite depth and endless complexity.
As the woman says in Song of Songs, "My own graveyard is mine to give." In the ancient near east, a vineyard was a euphemism for sexuality. She is saying that she doesnt give herself to just anyone. She is fully in control of herself, and she is not cheap and easy.
Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honour and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level.
You are worth dying for.
If your dating someone, what kind of man is he? Does he demonstrate that is the kind of man who would die for you? What is his posture toward the world. Does he serve, or is he waiting to be served? Does he believe that he is owed something, that he's been shortchanged, that he's gotten the short end of the stick, that life owes him something? Or is he out to see what he can give? Does he see himself as being here to make the world a better place?
These are the big questions that you need to ask yourself.
Take him to a family reunion. Do some sort of service project with him. See how he interacts with people he doesnt like.
Does he have liquid agape running through his veins?
A friend of mine was engaged to a man, and some of her friends were not excited about them getting married. As the wedding day approached, one of her friends decided to say something to her. He said "When a woman is loved well, she opens up like a flower."
She broke off the engagement soon afterward. In one brilliant sentence, her friend taught her what agape is and what it isn't.
What does he expect of you? Does he expect you to sleep with him when he hasn't committed to you forever? Does he want all of you without his having to give all of him?
Can you tell him anything? Is he safe? Can he be trusted?
Can you open up to him, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, knowing that he will protect, not exploit that vulnerability?
Are you opening up like a flower?
When you live in your true identity, when you find your worth and value in your creator, when you live "in Christ," in who you really are, you force him to rethink what it means to be a man.
Perhaps this is why the text talks about the man dying for the woman (Eph 5, 21-25). This can be terrifying for a man. Committing to a woman for life is going to demand courage, fidelity, and strength he may not know he has. This is why some men take such pride in their sexual conquests. They're desperately running from their fear that they dont have what it takes to lay down their lives for a woman. Sleeping with lots of women gives them the feeling of being a man without actually having to be one."
You are worth dying for.
